There's a hot, new thirst quencher that appears to be taking the place of
water at my health club. You might have heard of it. It's called coffee.
It's not a shock that coffee finally surfaced on the health and fitness
scene. After all, it has a lot of exciting short-term benefits. For one, it
makes you temporarily feel stronger, faster, and healthier than you really are.
It also dehydrates you, making the number on the scale look more appealing.
It's an appetite suppressant, helping your body to ignore your built-on survival mechanism to
replace all the calories you worked so hard to burn off -- which is amazing for
rapid weight loss.
Coffee doesn't just stimulate weight loss faster, though. It also helps to
make your heart beat faster; raises your blood pressure faster; and makes you
age faster. Cool, right? And, the best part about your hot, roasted beverage: it does all these things
to your body before you even get your exercise routine started.
With all the amazing effects coffee has on the human body, it's a wonder why
people still drink water. I mean, I've never heard anyone ever say, "I'd
look a lot thinner if not for all this extra coffee weight!"
But, don't rush off and trade in the water bottle for a travel mug just yet.
Even though water might not be the beverage of choice for short-range
appearance goals, it is excellent for another aspect of your life that frequently goes overlooked. More specifically: your health.
What's so great about water? Well, it's the main ingredient in your body. And, when you don't have enough of it, you slowly begin to shrivel up like a weed in the hot, dry sun. Every organ in your body suffers; along with your health and, more importantly, your appearance.
One of my favorite things about water is that you can drink pretty much as much as you want without having to worry about gaining weight or harmful side effects. In fact, the more you drink, the better it is for your body. Keeping your body hydrated with water may not always look great on the scale, but it slows down the aging process inside and out and makes you feel and look healthier long-term.
So, if you're exercising for short-term appearance purposes and like that long-term leather face look and crusty, decrepit internal organ feel -- coffee is definitely the way to go.
If you're exercising for health purposes and like to look and feel amazing all the time, then I recommend good, old fashioned H2O.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
All in the Family Feud
The Bunkers, our crotchety and decrepit downstairs neighbors, have been trying to oust me and Charlene out of our condominium complex ever since they moved in two years ago.
It all started because Mrs. Bunker allegedly had a bad childhood experience with a German Shepherd. Therefore, anytime she sees Zigzag, be it near or far, she jumps back, clutches her heart, and yells, "I don't trust that dog!"
About a month after the Bunker's moved in below us, we received a letter from our association stating that their have been complaints about noise and a large aggressive dog. Now, if Mrs. Bunker thought Zigzag was aggressive, she should have seen Charlene after reading that letter. I did everything short of shooting her with a tranquilizer dart to keep her from going downstairs and painting the Bunker's walls with their own old, dusty blood.
I rarely see Charlene become that unglued. In fact, the only time I've seen her boil over with that level of rage is when someone took her appropriated parking spot. The perpetrator was lucky I was there to diffuse the situation -- otherwise there would have been no windshield left on his car for Charlene to place a nasty note on.
It took an hour or so before Charlene's fury weakened from a category 5 hurricane to a tropical storm. "I'm calm now," she alleged. "I would like to go downstairs and talk to those ASSHOLES about this letter now."
"Okay," I said. "But, before I let you go I need to frisk you for weapons. The last thing I need is to be bailing you out of prison tonight."
I offered to confront the Bunker's with her, but she was just as concerned about my temper flaring up as I was about hers.
I admit it. I'm not ALWAYS the voice of reason. I do get the occasional road rage. And, I also get upset when I see children on leashes and men talking on their cell phones at the urinal. But, I'm not proud of how I react to these things.
Charlene was gone for over an hour. I feared the conversation didn't go as planned and pictured her trying to dispose of their bodies in their large handicap-equipped bathtub with a bucket of lye. Thankfully, she walked in the door just as I was about to bust in on a potential crime scene.
"There you are!" I said. "I was worried about what might have you done to them. How did it go?"
"It went fine." she answered. "I think we worked everything out." Or so she thought...
But, you can't really work everything out with a couple of bottom dwelling geriatrics. Our cease fire was in effect for only about a week before they violated it by writing another letter to the association about Zigzag.
I'm not going to lie. Most people would rather have a gun pointed at their head than have a dog like Zigzag unleashed on them. That being said, Zigzag has no history of violence. Sure. She barks and growls at people just like every other dog in the neighborhood (including the Bunker's); but the only things that she's guilty of biting are sticks, tennis balls, bones, and whatever I put into her food bowl.
"That's it!" Charlene exclaimed. "I'm going to write a letter to the association about them!"
The Bunker's weren't exactly model neighbors either. For one, their dog is more like a rooster. He wakes us up every morning at sunrise with a half-hour of shrill barking. Then they turn on the television, which is so loud that it sounds like they're watching it in our living room.
But, I'm being petty. After all, they didn't write to the association about something Zigzag did. They wrote to them about something that they're afraid of Zigzag doing (i.e. attacking them).
"Do you know what I'm afraid of?" I asked Charlene.
"What?" she asked.
"I'm afraid that the Bunkers are so old that they might forget to turn the stove off and burn the whole place down. We ought to write the association about that."
"You know what I'm afraid of?" Charlene added. "That the Bunkers are so old that they are going to crash their cars into us while we are walking Zigzag. We ought to write the association about that too."
We devised a long list of ways Mr. and Mrs. Bunkers could hurt, maim, or kill us due to their old age. But, for whatever reason, we never sent it to the association. Instead, we agreed to kill them... with kindness.
Well, that didn't work either. Mrs. Bunker took that as an opportunity to make indirect complaints about the noise coming from upstairs. One time she ran into Charlene in the parking lot and asked, "Who won the race last night?"
Confused by such a seemingly senile inquiry, Charlene smiled and politely asked "What are you talking about?"
"The cats!" Mrs. Bunker shouted. "We could hear them running around all night!"
It all started because Mrs. Bunker allegedly had a bad childhood experience with a German Shepherd. Therefore, anytime she sees Zigzag, be it near or far, she jumps back, clutches her heart, and yells, "I don't trust that dog!"
About a month after the Bunker's moved in below us, we received a letter from our association stating that their have been complaints about noise and a large aggressive dog. Now, if Mrs. Bunker thought Zigzag was aggressive, she should have seen Charlene after reading that letter. I did everything short of shooting her with a tranquilizer dart to keep her from going downstairs and painting the Bunker's walls with their own old, dusty blood.
I rarely see Charlene become that unglued. In fact, the only time I've seen her boil over with that level of rage is when someone took her appropriated parking spot. The perpetrator was lucky I was there to diffuse the situation -- otherwise there would have been no windshield left on his car for Charlene to place a nasty note on.
It took an hour or so before Charlene's fury weakened from a category 5 hurricane to a tropical storm. "I'm calm now," she alleged. "I would like to go downstairs and talk to those ASSHOLES about this letter now."
"Okay," I said. "But, before I let you go I need to frisk you for weapons. The last thing I need is to be bailing you out of prison tonight."
I offered to confront the Bunker's with her, but she was just as concerned about my temper flaring up as I was about hers.
I admit it. I'm not ALWAYS the voice of reason. I do get the occasional road rage. And, I also get upset when I see children on leashes and men talking on their cell phones at the urinal. But, I'm not proud of how I react to these things.
Charlene was gone for over an hour. I feared the conversation didn't go as planned and pictured her trying to dispose of their bodies in their large handicap-equipped bathtub with a bucket of lye. Thankfully, she walked in the door just as I was about to bust in on a potential crime scene.
"There you are!" I said. "I was worried about what might have you done to them. How did it go?"
"It went fine." she answered. "I think we worked everything out." Or so she thought...
But, you can't really work everything out with a couple of bottom dwelling geriatrics. Our cease fire was in effect for only about a week before they violated it by writing another letter to the association about Zigzag.
I'm not going to lie. Most people would rather have a gun pointed at their head than have a dog like Zigzag unleashed on them. That being said, Zigzag has no history of violence. Sure. She barks and growls at people just like every other dog in the neighborhood (including the Bunker's); but the only things that she's guilty of biting are sticks, tennis balls, bones, and whatever I put into her food bowl.
"That's it!" Charlene exclaimed. "I'm going to write a letter to the association about them!"
The Bunker's weren't exactly model neighbors either. For one, their dog is more like a rooster. He wakes us up every morning at sunrise with a half-hour of shrill barking. Then they turn on the television, which is so loud that it sounds like they're watching it in our living room.
But, I'm being petty. After all, they didn't write to the association about something Zigzag did. They wrote to them about something that they're afraid of Zigzag doing (i.e. attacking them).
"Do you know what I'm afraid of?" I asked Charlene.
"What?" she asked.
"I'm afraid that the Bunkers are so old that they might forget to turn the stove off and burn the whole place down. We ought to write the association about that."
"You know what I'm afraid of?" Charlene added. "That the Bunkers are so old that they are going to crash their cars into us while we are walking Zigzag. We ought to write the association about that too."
We devised a long list of ways Mr. and Mrs. Bunkers could hurt, maim, or kill us due to their old age. But, for whatever reason, we never sent it to the association. Instead, we agreed to kill them... with kindness.
Well, that didn't work either. Mrs. Bunker took that as an opportunity to make indirect complaints about the noise coming from upstairs. One time she ran into Charlene in the parking lot and asked, "Who won the race last night?"
Confused by such a seemingly senile inquiry, Charlene smiled and politely asked "What are you talking about?"
"The cats!" Mrs. Bunker shouted. "We could hear them running around all night!"
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The Bachelor: So Easy A Caveman Can Do It
Once again, Charlene has me hooked on yet another season of the Bachelor. It's a little embarrassing to admit, but we actually measure the length of our relationship not by years, but by seasons of the show. We've been together since Deanna.
Charlene, like many other women, loves the fairytale aspect of the show. I, on the other hand, enjoy the utter shamelessness demonstrated by the people that appear on it. These individuals will clearly do and say anything to be on television. Case in point: Bob Guinea. Now, let's be honest. He was half man, half pig; had a greasy jheri curl; and his laugh was kindred to the "Shiba Inu Scream". In real life, before he became the Bachelor, Bob Guinea was what the cast of the "Jersey Shore" refer to as a "grenade". Fortunately for Bob, 25 women, handpicked by producers, mainly for possessing little to no self respect, were rearing to jump on the Guinea Grenade in exchange for their 15 minutes... of indignity.
Since Bob, a wide-variety of maladjusted single men have taken the throne. From the mind changing Meznick to the bipolar Pavelka, to the woman beating Womack, the series has demonstrated time and time again that countless women are willing to do anything (and I mean anything) to receive a rose -- even despite appearance, past, or personality. The fact is, if you're the Bachelor, you are guaranteed at least a two out of three victory in fantasy suite. It's literally so easy a caveman can do it. And, that's exactly what the producers set out to prove this season with Ben Flintstone (better known to the public by his stage name: Ben Flajnik).
Unbeknownst to many, the Bachelor isn't Ben's first appearance in the public eye. He was actually big news in Russia back in 1999 when a group of biological researchers discovered his body frozen in time inside of a glacier off the coast of the Bearing Sea.
Ben, estimated by anthropologists to be approximately 40,000 years old, was not only the oldest caveman ever to be unearthed, but he was also the only caveman to be found alive when they found him. He was an instant scientific marvel and a worldwide sensation.
In 2003, after Ben spent four intensive years learning to speak, read, and how to use his severely atrophied body again, Geico Insurance company approached him about starring in a certain ad campaign that they planned to design around him. It was called, "So easy a Caveman can do it".
The first commercials aired in 2004 and it was a huge success. It was so successful, in fact, that in 2007, ABC jumped on board and co-created a television series based on the ads called, "Cavemen". Sadly for Ben and his costumed caveman costars, the show completely tanked. One viewer quoted it as being "dog shit" on his Facebook status -- a status of which received over 4 million likes.
ABC execs were livid about show's failure and the financial loss that ensued. The network had put a lot of time, money, and faith into Ben and his fading authentic caveman celebrity. They were determined to somehow get a return on their investment.
In 2010, ABC finally had a stroke of brilliance. Their idea: to steal a concept from one of their biggest competitors, CBS.
CBS's Sunday prime-time lineup included an hour-long commercial called "Undercover Boss". Companies such as Roto-Rooter, Norwegian Cruise Lines, and Hooters paid a hell of a lot of money to be on it.
ABC wanted to make boatloads of money selling hour-long commercial slots too. So, they called up their old friend and business partner Geico and pitched them an idea that would both revolutionize television advertising and corrupt reality television at the same time. It was an offer and opportunity Geico couldn't refuse. Without hesitation, they bought an unprecedented amount of advertising for an unprecedented amount of money. It was the biggest television advertising deal in history!
It's top secret information, but the second Ben Flajnick (real name: Ben Flintstone) stepped out of the stretch limo to meet Ashley on last year's season of the Bachelorette, you were being sold Geico auto insurance.
Producers did everything they could to camouflage Ben's true caveman identity (cut his hair, shaved his beard, dental implants, straightened his posture). But, they also wanted Ben to look enough like his caveman self that viewers made the connection. And, it worked! Every time Ben and Ashley had a scene together, people all over the country and the world were saying, "Ashley is so easy a caveman could do her!" Geico was making millions!
Ashley, surprise, surprise, never had any interest in Ben. She kept him around until the end in exchange for lower premiums on her car insurance. Ben, however, really fell for Ashley. He hadn't felt that way about a woman since Wilma.
On the flip side, Ben's broken heart won over fans and put Geico's caveman franchise back on top, just like ABC had promised. In addition, Ben was crowned the next Bachelor -- meaning a guaranteed two out of three victory in the fantasy suite. It will be the first time in his life that he won't have to use a club to coerce a woman into having intercourse with him.
Charlene, like many other women, loves the fairytale aspect of the show. I, on the other hand, enjoy the utter shamelessness demonstrated by the people that appear on it. These individuals will clearly do and say anything to be on television. Case in point: Bob Guinea. Now, let's be honest. He was half man, half pig; had a greasy jheri curl; and his laugh was kindred to the "Shiba Inu Scream". In real life, before he became the Bachelor, Bob Guinea was what the cast of the "Jersey Shore" refer to as a "grenade". Fortunately for Bob, 25 women, handpicked by producers, mainly for possessing little to no self respect, were rearing to jump on the Guinea Grenade in exchange for their 15 minutes... of indignity.
Since Bob, a wide-variety of maladjusted single men have taken the throne. From the mind changing Meznick to the bipolar Pavelka, to the woman beating Womack, the series has demonstrated time and time again that countless women are willing to do anything (and I mean anything) to receive a rose -- even despite appearance, past, or personality. The fact is, if you're the Bachelor, you are guaranteed at least a two out of three victory in fantasy suite. It's literally so easy a caveman can do it. And, that's exactly what the producers set out to prove this season with Ben Flintstone (better known to the public by his stage name: Ben Flajnik).
Unbeknownst to many, the Bachelor isn't Ben's first appearance in the public eye. He was actually big news in Russia back in 1999 when a group of biological researchers discovered his body frozen in time inside of a glacier off the coast of the Bearing Sea.
Ben, estimated by anthropologists to be approximately 40,000 years old, was not only the oldest caveman ever to be unearthed, but he was also the only caveman to be found alive when they found him. He was an instant scientific marvel and a worldwide sensation.
In 2003, after Ben spent four intensive years learning to speak, read, and how to use his severely atrophied body again, Geico Insurance company approached him about starring in a certain ad campaign that they planned to design around him. It was called, "So easy a Caveman can do it".
The first commercials aired in 2004 and it was a huge success. It was so successful, in fact, that in 2007, ABC jumped on board and co-created a television series based on the ads called, "Cavemen". Sadly for Ben and his costumed caveman costars, the show completely tanked. One viewer quoted it as being "dog shit" on his Facebook status -- a status of which received over 4 million likes.
ABC execs were livid about show's failure and the financial loss that ensued. The network had put a lot of time, money, and faith into Ben and his fading authentic caveman celebrity. They were determined to somehow get a return on their investment.
In 2010, ABC finally had a stroke of brilliance. Their idea: to steal a concept from one of their biggest competitors, CBS.
CBS's Sunday prime-time lineup included an hour-long commercial called "Undercover Boss". Companies such as Roto-Rooter, Norwegian Cruise Lines, and Hooters paid a hell of a lot of money to be on it.
ABC wanted to make boatloads of money selling hour-long commercial slots too. So, they called up their old friend and business partner Geico and pitched them an idea that would both revolutionize television advertising and corrupt reality television at the same time. It was an offer and opportunity Geico couldn't refuse. Without hesitation, they bought an unprecedented amount of advertising for an unprecedented amount of money. It was the biggest television advertising deal in history!
It's top secret information, but the second Ben Flajnick (real name: Ben Flintstone) stepped out of the stretch limo to meet Ashley on last year's season of the Bachelorette, you were being sold Geico auto insurance.
Producers did everything they could to camouflage Ben's true caveman identity (cut his hair, shaved his beard, dental implants, straightened his posture). But, they also wanted Ben to look enough like his caveman self that viewers made the connection. And, it worked! Every time Ben and Ashley had a scene together, people all over the country and the world were saying, "Ashley is so easy a caveman could do her!" Geico was making millions!
Ashley, surprise, surprise, never had any interest in Ben. She kept him around until the end in exchange for lower premiums on her car insurance. Ben, however, really fell for Ashley. He hadn't felt that way about a woman since Wilma.
On the flip side, Ben's broken heart won over fans and put Geico's caveman franchise back on top, just like ABC had promised. In addition, Ben was crowned the next Bachelor -- meaning a guaranteed two out of three victory in the fantasy suite. It will be the first time in his life that he won't have to use a club to coerce a woman into having intercourse with him.
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