Once again, Charlene has me hooked on yet another season of the Bachelor. It's a little embarrassing to admit, but we actually measure the length of our relationship not by years, but by seasons of the show. We've been together since Deanna.
Charlene, like many other women, loves the fairytale aspect of the show. I, on the other hand, enjoy the utter shamelessness demonstrated by the people that appear on it. These individuals will clearly do and say anything to be on television. Case in point: Bob Guinea. Now, let's be honest. He was half man, half pig; had a greasy jheri curl; and his laugh was kindred to the "Shiba Inu Scream". In real life, before he became the Bachelor, Bob Guinea was what the cast of the "Jersey Shore" refer to as a "grenade". Fortunately for Bob, 25 women, handpicked by producers, mainly for possessing little to no self respect, were rearing to jump on the Guinea Grenade in exchange for their 15 minutes... of indignity.
Since Bob, a wide-variety of maladjusted single men have taken the throne. From the mind changing Meznick to the bipolar Pavelka, to the woman beating Womack, the series has demonstrated time and time again that countless women are willing to do anything (and I mean anything) to receive a rose -- even despite appearance, past, or personality. The fact is, if you're the Bachelor, you are guaranteed at least a two out of three victory in fantasy suite. It's literally so easy a caveman can do it. And, that's exactly what the producers set out to prove this season with Ben Flintstone (better known to the public by his stage name: Ben Flajnik).
Unbeknownst to many, the Bachelor isn't Ben's first appearance in the public eye. He was actually big news in Russia back in 1999 when a group of biological researchers discovered his body frozen in time inside of a glacier off the coast of the Bearing Sea.
Ben, estimated by anthropologists to be approximately 40,000 years old, was not only the oldest caveman ever to be unearthed, but he was also the only caveman to be found alive when they found him. He was an instant scientific marvel and a worldwide sensation.
In 2003, after Ben spent four intensive years learning to speak, read, and how to use his severely atrophied body again, Geico Insurance company approached him about starring in a certain ad campaign that they planned to design around him. It was called, "So easy a Caveman can do it".
The first commercials aired in 2004 and it was a huge success. It was so successful, in fact, that in 2007, ABC jumped on board and co-created a television series based on the ads called, "Cavemen". Sadly for Ben and his costumed caveman costars, the show completely tanked. One viewer quoted it as being "dog shit" on his Facebook status -- a status of which received over 4 million likes.
ABC execs were livid about show's failure and the financial loss that ensued. The network had put a lot of time, money, and faith into Ben and his fading authentic caveman celebrity. They were determined to somehow get a return on their investment.
In 2010, ABC finally had a stroke of brilliance. Their idea: to steal a concept from one of their biggest competitors, CBS.
CBS's Sunday prime-time lineup included an hour-long commercial called "Undercover Boss". Companies such as Roto-Rooter, Norwegian Cruise Lines, and Hooters paid a hell of a lot of money to be on it.
ABC wanted to make boatloads of money selling hour-long commercial slots too. So, they called up their old friend and business partner Geico and pitched them an idea that would both revolutionize television advertising and corrupt reality television at the same time. It was an offer and opportunity Geico couldn't refuse. Without hesitation, they bought an unprecedented amount of advertising for an unprecedented amount of money. It was the biggest television advertising deal in history!
It's top secret information, but the second Ben Flajnick (real name: Ben Flintstone) stepped out of the stretch limo to meet Ashley on last year's season of the Bachelorette, you were being sold Geico auto insurance.
Producers did everything they could to camouflage Ben's true caveman identity (cut his hair, shaved his beard, dental implants, straightened his posture). But, they also wanted Ben to look enough like his caveman self that viewers made the connection. And, it worked! Every time Ben and Ashley had a scene together, people all over the country and the world were saying, "Ashley is so easy a caveman could do her!" Geico was making millions!
Ashley, surprise, surprise, never had any interest in Ben. She kept him around until the end in exchange for lower premiums on her car insurance. Ben, however, really fell for Ashley. He hadn't felt that way about a woman since Wilma.
On the flip side, Ben's broken heart won over fans and put Geico's caveman franchise back on top, just like ABC had promised. In addition, Ben was crowned the next Bachelor -- meaning a guaranteed two out of three victory in the fantasy suite. It will be the first time in his life that he won't have to use a club to coerce a woman into having intercourse with him.
Brilliant! Simply brilliant.
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