Fat, Sick, and Almost Dead

Inspired by the movie "Fat, Sick, and Almost Dead", me and Charlene decided to try a "reboot". In other words, we were going to go five days consuming only homemade fruit and veggie juice. I was somewhat opposed to the idea at first because neither of us are fat, sick, or almost dead. In fact, we're both healthy and in rather good shape. But, Charlene insisted that it would cleanse us. Cleanse us of what I'm not quite sure. But, I agreed to join her on the juice cleanse journey anyway. If nothing else, I saw this as an opportunity to challenge the beast of all beasts: My appetite (and Charlene when she hasn't had enough to eat).

As if taking on an all juice diet wasn't hard enough, we further increased the difficulty level by beginning on Monday -- also known as taco night in our household (Charlene's favorite night of the week). She originally lobbied to activate our reboot on Tuesday (soup and salad night), but conceded to Monday as a mark of her commitment to the cleanse. 

I got up early Monday morning to prepare our first liquid meal of the day. The recipe was called "Minty Fresh Berry". I had all the ingredients except for the mint leaves and the fresh berries. So, I renamed the recipe, "Juicy Frozen Berry".

My Juicy Frozen Berry juice came out better than expected. It tasted like a chunky, cherry flavored Jell-O. It even put a smile on Charlene's face. "Wow! This is good!" she affirmed. And, for a few moments, there was hope that the "reboot" might not be so bad after all.

While I got ready for work, Charlene fired up our Jack LaLanne juicer and got to work on our lunch. She was preparing a juice called "Mean Green". I could hear her in the distance taste testing it. It was the sound of her gagging and laboring the words, "Oh my God..."

"I'm not sure you're gonna' like this one," Charlene shouted to me from the kitchen. "Do you think you'll be able to drink it if it's disgusting?"

"That's ok," I yelled back. "I can handle disgusting."

We'd been handling disgusting everyday for the past few months ever since we introduced a variety of superfruit concentrates into our daily diet. It just didn't seem likely to me that a tall glass of Mean Green could taste any worse.

Charlene sent me off to work with a generously poured liquid lunch and a bonus: A fruit and veggie combo juice to be used as a snack. She spoiled me so...

I was a little concerned about what kind of mood starving myself would put me in, especially while putting in a long, eight-hour day at work. According to the movie, the first few days of the reboot were going to make me feel tired, cranky, and even depressed. I already didn't like the guy I worked for (the cheap, sleazy, car salesman-like dirtbag he was) and it occurred to me that, out of pure hunger, I might just say or do something to get myself fired.

By happy chance, I didn't hiss, bark, or bite at all. In fact, I was in a surprisingly good mood all day long. Not a headache or hunger pain to speak of. Not to mention, Charlene's juice concoctions weren't nearly as dreadful as she described.

I got home from work at about 5:30 PM and immediately took Zigzag out for a walk about the neighborhood. Approximately halfway through our jaunt, I began to think about the fabulous leftover brisket that sat in the refrigerator. I was upset by the idea of it going bad by the time our reboot was over. "I'll just give it to Zigzag," I told myself in a feeble attempt to move on to a non-food related thought. Oh. But, I couldn't shake it. That delicious, fat-laiden brisket was tattooed on my brain.

By 6:00 PM, a fierce rumbling in my stomach demanded my attention. It's growing tremors shook my body like a dispatched Roman army shook the Earth. I knew what was coming. The beast of all beasts, my appetite, was on it's way to take back control and force feed me my brisket.

Charlene wasn't due back to get home from her job for another two and half hours. My ravenous appetite had already begun hammering me into a weakened state and I didn't know if I had the mental fortitude to hold my ground against the overpowering urge to eat everything in sight before she got back. Just as I was about to succumb to craving, however, the answer came to me: Make more juice!

I rushed to the Jack LaLanne juicer and decimated every fruit and vegetable I could find into a hunger squelching green, foamy liquid. "This should buy me some time," I confidently affirmed to myself.

The juice slightly suppressed my desire to renege on the reboot, but I wasn't out of the woods yet. I still had two hours left of depriving myself of proper nutrition before Charlene returned. I realized my best option in terms of passing the time was simply to go to sleep.

I was awoken by a text message from Charlene that read, "Comin home"

"Yay!" I replied.

I jumped out of bed, bee lined back to the Jack LaLanne juicer, and prepared Charlene's dinner. She walked in the front door just as I finished pouring her a heaping glass of "Delightful Green Juice".

"Something smells good!" she yelled from the bottom of the stairs.

I met her at the landing and said, "That's because I made tacos!"

Her eyes lit up; she smiled from ear-to-ear;, and joyfully expressed, "Thank God! I was hoping you were going to say that."

"Just kidding," I revealed. "I made juice!" 

I immediately witnessed all the wind withdraw from her sails. "Really?" she asked with shock and chagrin.

I offered to make her tacos, but she refused. "I can do this!"she proclaimed.

"In that case... here's your dinner," I said as I handed her a tall, frothy glass of green goop.

She looked at me with contempt and asked, "Why did we have to choose taco night to do this?"

Funny. I wondered why we had to chose any night to do it. So, I put my arm around her, looked her in the eyes, and shared, "I won't think any less of you if we end this thing right now..."

She hesitated.

There was nothing left for me to do except let it all out. I revealed everything that happened while she was gone. I told her about the brisket, the hunger, the brisket, the fatigue, the brisket, and how close I came to devouring it.

It appeared as if the world had been lifted from her shoulders. "I felt the same way," she admitted. "I even almost stopped for fast food."

I was in disbelief. Since I've known Charlene, she has never, ever wanted fast food. Never!

"I think I should make you some tacos," I told Charlene. "We have nothing to gain by starving ourselves."

All she heard was that I was making tacos -- and I could sense she was delighted. "Are you going to have tacos too?"
"No. I'm gonna' have the rest of the  brisket!"

And, so it was agreed. After one day, we officially terminated the "reboot" on the basis of brisket and tacos.