State Funded 2-Year Vacay

I'm so jealous of my friend Ron Jeremy. He is now on his second year his of state funded vacation, otherwise known as "unemployment". He is getting paid $500 a week to play video games and watch porn. I wish I could collect unemployment. Unfortunately, I'm not eligible because the state is prejudice against people like me who worked as independent contractors.

I could use some state money, that's for sure. The job pool dried up on me around last October -- and Charlene has been head of household ever since. She says I have until April to pull my weight or it's the gutter for me and Zigzag.

I have one solid prospect that I'm crossing my fingers will work out. That's my only leverage with Charlene right now. Anytime she starts getting on my case about money I tell her, "If the job with Spacely Space Sprockets works out, we'll have plenty of money."

"Do you think you're going to get it?" she always asks without exception.

"Yeah. I think so," I tell her. "But, even if I don't, something else will come along."

I try to stay positive like that.

I worked with Spacely back in May for a couple of months. So I sort of have an in there. I managed a two-month promotional bus tour for them. We basically visited potential clients all across the country to show off our new wares, like a traveling trade show. The bus was nice too. It was.the same kind of bus that all the crooked presidential candidates campaign around on.

I spent a lot of time with the Spacely staff -- particularly the marketing team. A bunch of thick, corn fed country girls, they were -- plus one guy named Leroy who did all he could to stay out of the drama.

The unofficial boss of the group was Rosie O'Donnell. And, I was warned before I took the job that she was a real bizatch.

Rosie's right hand was Nancy Grace. Nancy was also supposed to make my life hell, but not quite to the same extent as Rosie.

Then there was Natalie Green. There was some kind of classic southern feud going on between her and Rosie. Nancy, of course, being Rosie's flunky didn't care much for Natalie either. But, I'll get into that later.

Luckily, we didn't all travel together at the same time and, fortunately, I never had to give my "Why can't we all just get along?" speech.

Uncle Jesse was the bus driver. I spent more time with him than anyone else on the tour.

Uncle Jesse was a character. He was this short, stumpy, grey bearded 65 year-old southern fried good ol' boy who had more stories than the New York Times. That man loved to talk. And, the two things he loved to talk about most were the Kentucky Wildcats and Barack Obama -- of which he hated both.

He had done it all. He was once a computer programmer, a pizza shop and radio station owner, a real estate mogul,  an astronaut, and the list goes on. I couldn't help to wonder why was this man driving a bus for Spacely Space Sprockets?