The Crypt Keeper of the Root Canal

After agreeing to two root canals, I had to figure out a way to tell Charlene without her blowing a gasket. So, I told her what the dental surgeon told me -- except in my story the dental surgeon was a fat old man with bad breath and bushels of hair coming out of his nose and ears.

"That sucks!" Charlene exhaled. "But, if that's what the dentist thinks is best, then I guess that's what you should do."

The conversation went way better than expected. I was seriously prepared to see her flip out about the money -- because, let's face it, I'm not exactly Donald Trump -- and I didn't even have a steady job. But, last year was a good year financially for us. We even took 3 vacations. And, I had a good gig that was due to be set up from August to January 2012. So, I guess Charlene saw the dental hit as one less vacation for us instead of a financial ass whooping.

I was back in the chair of pain before I knew it. I had a new dentist -- and there was nothing stunning about him except his uncanny resemblance to the Crypt Keeper. He was a young guy too, maybe even younger than me. But, his cheeks were sunk in; his skin was full of jaundice; and he was so skinny and frail that he could almost pass as being two-dimensional. Nice guy, though.

I couldn't help to feel a little like fell victim to an old "bait and switch" scam. Draw me in with the incredibly beautiful dental surgeon (who was probably nothing more than a sales person) and stick me with the Crypt Keeper. Brilliant, I tell ya'!

The Crypt Keeper had some good news for me. He informed me that I only needed a root canal on one tooth and that the other would need to be extracted. I was elated... for a moment... but that warm feeling was quickly overshadowed when it became time to begin my first root canal procedure. 

He reclined my chair and swung around that super bright spotlight. That was my queue to close my eyes, open my mouth, and go to my happy place.

My happy place was more difficult to get to than I originally anticipated. The harpoon-sized needle didn't help the process, that's for sure. Even worse, the needle didn't even work. I could feel everything! I tried to be tough for like a second and not say anything, but then I was like, "I can feel that!"

It took 4 more shots before I was completely numb, making his accuracy with the Novacaine about as accurate as the U.S.'s celebrated guided missile systems.

Another roadblock to my happy place was the blue tent that they pitched in my mouth for almost 2 hours. It turned out the procedure takes a little longer at the hands of an unskilled dentist. It wouldn't have been that bad if not for my post nasal drip trying to slowly asphyxiate me the whole time. I did, however, learn to be creative with my cardiovascular system to clear keep my airway clear.

Charlene was waiting for me in the car when I was done. She was there for support, but also wanted to pay for this round of dental work with her new Carnival Cruise Line credit so that my pain and suffering could translate into cruise points.

"How was it?" she asked.

I paused for a moment before answering (mostly because the whole right side of my face was swollen and numb) and said, "That might have been one of the worst experiences of my life."