The Big Womack

I only started watching the Bachelor because of Charlene. It’s her favorite show. When we initially began dating, one of the first questions she asked me was, “Are you excited for the new season of the Bachelor?”

In hopes I’d get into her pants faster, I fibbed and said, “Of course I’m excited about the new season of the Bachelor.” That made her very happy, but it wasn’t quite enough to get her to put out ahead of schedule. In fact, Charlene made me wait two months before she gave me some hay for my donkey. That’s eight two-hour episodes of the Bachelorette I had to grit and bear…

The first season I saw starred Deanna, the Greek reject from the previous season that was built like an Olympic butterfly stroke swimmer. What amazed me most about the show was how well the producers coached the men to speak so highly of her on camera.

“I think it’s so sweet how all the men talk about Deanna,” Charlene would often say as we watched the show.

I didn’t have the heart to tell Charlene the truth -- that Deanna’s suitors were full of shit.

This season they brought back Brad Womack. He’s the Bachelor who couldn’t look Deanna (or the other finalist) in the eye and tell her he loved her. America was pissed at him for that and, as a result, he allegedly went into a deep depression. But after three years of intense therapy, he has resurfaced a new man – twice as horny and rearing to prey on another herd of twenty-five insecure and attention starved women.  When asked by Chris Harrison if he thought his future wife is inside the mansion this time around, “Definitely!” Brad confidently responded.

“He’s such a nice guy,” Charlene wept as he told tear-jerking stories about how his father wasn’t there for him when he was growing up.

“Uh-oh,” I replied. “Does that mean I have to add Brad Womack to the list of dudes you want to bang?”

Charlene laughed. “No,” she said contritely. “He’s gross…”

The only thing Charlene found gross about Brad Womack was the high risk of catching an STD from him -- and possibly that ridiculous tattoo on his back.

“So, Let’s see,” I said. “There’s Leonardo DiCaprio, Robert Downey, Jr., Johnny Depp, Danny Gokey, Pat Sajak, and now Brad Womack.”

Charlene playfully slapped my arm. “Baby. The only one you really have to worry about is Pat Sajack. He's so funny!”