Uncle Willis

Baby Wolfgang arrived on January 6^th. I wasn’t just Willis anymore. I was now Uncle Willis. When I first arrived at the hospital, I met my brother Arnold (the new dad) in the hallway outside the recovery room and he was looking a wee bit stressed. “What’s up, bro?” I asked as I gave him a sucker punch to the gut.

“Not much, bro,” he replied with a sucker punch back. “Where’s mom and dad?” he asked.

“They’re outside having a smoke.”

“Nice,” he said. “So much for their New Year’s Resolution, huh?”

But, I wasn’t interested in scrutinizing anyone’s New Year’s resolutions. After all, who was I to judge? I couldn't keep mine for more than day. What I was really interested in was what happened in the delivery room.

“So, bro, were you in the delivery room when the baby was born?”

“Yup,” he said with a tone of regret.

“Really? Was it nasty?”

“Let’s just say I saw some things in there I wish I could have gone my whole life without seeing.”

“Like what?” I asked. Did you see them cut the umbilical cord?”

“I saw everything,” he bemoaned. “The crown of the head coming out,”

“Ew,” I responded.

“The umbilical cord being cut,”

I cringed.

“The placenta coming out,”

I felt a lump in my throat.

“But the worst part, bro,” he added. “Was the when the blood spattered all over my face when the placenta came out.”

I let out a gasp and asked. “Did they ask you if you wanted to take home the placenta to eat it? It’s like one of the healthiest things you can eat.”

“No. They did not,” he answered with disgust and a smile.

On that wonderful note, my parents had just entered the building. We gave each other high-fives and then my brother led us to the hospital room where Tootie and Baby Wolfgang were staying.

Tootie was sitting up in her hospital bed watching the honorable Judge Joe Brown on television when we stormed in on her.  She looked startled when we initially breached the room, but she quickly composed herself and greeted us with a big smile. “Hi everyone!” she said.

“Hi Tootie,” We said in unison.

“How are you feeling,” my mother kindly asked.

“Much better now,” Tootie replied.

“How was it giving birth?”

“Oh. It was awful,” Charlene declared. “ It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. I don’t know how I got through it.”

“Was Arnold in there with you while you were having the baby?” My father jumped in.

“Oh yeah. Arnold was there the whole time. He was a real trooper,” she said as Arnold put his head down and shook it.

“Bro is traumatized!” I imparted.

“You could say that,” Arnold quietly admitted. 

The nurse brought baby Wolfgang into the room, put him in some sort of baby tray, and asked us, “Would anyone like to hold him?”

Everyone looked at each other helplessly. “I’m afraid I might drop him,” my mother divulged.

“I don’t want to drop him either,” concurred my father.

My brother didn’t say anything, but it looked like he was afraid to drop him too.

“I’ll pick him up,” I boldly announced.

I had picked up way heavier things than a baby without dropping them, including pissed off animals that hissed and clawed at me. 

“Careful, careful,” I heard from all directions as if I was removing the neuron trigger from a nuclear warhead. 

I swung him up into the air in one fell swoop. “That wasn't so hard,” I whispered to baby Wolfgang as I cradled him in my arms. 

Being an uncle already felt kind of cool.